Call For Love Devotion - July 8: Caring For Our Children

I once heard an old woman lament "There ain't a man alive over 12 years old." I didn't believe her.

As I've grown older, I get it now. She was right. The ages between birth-12 are so critical to our wholeness that often if there's a trauma or an abuse or lack to that stage, no matter the age of the grown up, people still try to heal and fulfill their inner child.

I know that love and acceptance affect a child's self-esteem. When I study Michael's life and listen to his workds, he wanted what a child had a right to want: a father's love. He wanted to please his father and have his father be proud of him. He wanted to be loved as his father's son. As "Michael"... not as a commodity. Someone whos love was not dependent on how perfectly you performed.

No matter how altruistic our desires may be to have our child succeed, it needs to be rooted in what THEIR purpose is, not our own unfulfilled needs or our desire to see our children reflecting on us.

I saw an intesting headline on a financial magazine: How to make your child a millionaire. Really? Not saying it's a bad goal, but.... how about making them feel like a million bucks?

Michael's father drove him and his brothers to succeed. But what Michael still longed for at the end of the day was the elusive love of his father. That hole was never filled. He only had a manager, a trainer, but not someone he knew as "Dad".

On the contrary, my father DISMISSED every dream I had and KEPT me from pursuing and extraordinary goals and just live a mediocre life, never reaching for the stars. He wanted me to have "security". A J-O-B. And that's exactly what I have.

And all I have is a long list of dreams I wish I'd attempted. I was convinced into thinking that I wasn't good enough to win... not as an entertainer, or even a photopgraher. One day I was staring at one of my cousins who has been a stunning beauty since birth. One day I suggested that they give modeling a chance. "No, no...." said the father. "I wouldn't want her to get there and get hur when she fails." I thought to myself... 'what makes you automatically think that she'll FAIL?? What if she succeeds??'

I am reminded that succeeding and failing are part of life. Living in the middle is a grey existence. Pres. Teddy Roosevelt said it best here: "It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

"Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

Love your children and ask God what they're supposed to be and how you can facilitate them in their dreams. One daunting notion that came up after Michael's passing was that they might become vulnerable to being exploited by Joseph who might see them as 'The Jackson 3'. Michael's words came clear and strong for his family: "They're not us" meaning the Jackson 5. He also said "They're not the new me." They are themselves.... Prince. Paris. Blanket.

There should be no expectation of the children to be copies of the parent. I see preachers do it, teachers do it, athletes do it. They place expectations on their kids to be just like them.

Love your children for who they are. There's a heartfelt song about this by JJ Heller called "What Love Really Means". See if you hear Michael singing this:

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night “Dear God won’t you please...
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means, what love really means

You know, I think of the kids in orphanages feeling lonely and abandonned and unloved who could sing that song. Like a puppy in a shelter longing to be adopted. But this same emotion is not extreme cases only -- we ALL carry this need.

Sometimes even if we love a child from our hearts, we don't know how to show it. There's a guide for showing love to children and teens in ways that truly get the message received. It's called 5 Love Languages. They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Remember that every child is different. What works for one child may not work for another. So how do you find out what means "love" to your child?

1. Observe how your child expresses love to you.
2. Observe how your child expresses love to others
3. Listen to what your child requests most often
4. Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
5. Give your child a choice between two love language options and see what they choose.

Start speaking their 'language'.

In light of this week being the 2 year marker of Michael's memorial, I found a poignant poem from Maya Angelou that is most apt for the theme of loving our children. I hear Michael's song "Have you Seen My Childhood" woven in its words:

“Go and Hug Your Michael Today”
By Maya Angelou

Yesterday I cried watching the Michael Jackson memorial. I cried for a little
black boy who felt the world didn’t understand him. I cried for a little black
boy who spent his adulthood chasing his childhood. And I thought about all the
young black boys out there who may too feel that the world doesn’t understand
them. The ones who feel that the world does not understand their baggy jeans,
their swagger, their music, their anger, their struggles, their fears or the
chip on their shoulder. I worry that my son, may too, one day will feel lonely
in a wide, wide world.

I cried for the young children of all colors who may live their life feeling
like a misfit, feeling like no one understands their perspective, or their soul.
What a burden to carry.

As a mother, I cried for Katherine Jackson because no mother should ever bury a child. Period. And I think about all the pain, tears and sleepless nights that
she must have endured seeing her baby boy in inner pain, seeing him struggle
with his self-esteem, and his insecurities and to know he often felt unloved
even while the world loved him deeply. How does it feel to think that the
unconditional love we give as mothers just isn’t enough to make our children
feel whole? I wonder if she still suffers thinking, “what more could I have
done?” Even moms of music legends aren’t immune to mommy guilt, I suppose.

When Rev. Al Sharpton (“who always delivers one” awesome “funeral speech”) said to Michael’s children, “Your daddy was not strange…It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with,” I thought of all the “strange” things of the world that my children will have to deal with. Better yet, the things I hope they won’t
ever have to deal with anymore.

And as a mother raising a young black boy, I feel recommitted and yet a little
confused as to how to make sure my son is sure enough within himself to take on the world. Especially a “strange” one. To love himself enough to know that even when the world doesn’t understand you, tries to force you into its mold or
treats you unkindly, you are still beautiful, strong and Black. How do I do
that?

Today, I am taking back “childhood” as an inalienable right for every brown
little one. In a world, that makes children into booty-shaking, mini-adults long
before their time, I’m reclaiming the playful, innocent, run-around-outside,
childhood as the key ingredient in raising confident adults. Second, I will not rest until my little black boy, MY Michael, knows that his broad nose is beautiful, his chocolately brown skin is beautiful, and his thick hair is beautiful.

And nothing or no one can ever take that away from him.

“Now aint we bad? And ain’t we black? And ain’t we fine? -Maya Angelou

Today I pray for Prince, for Paris, and for Blanket. That they will always know that they are deeply loved and cherished for who they are. For themselves. Loved because they're here. With a purpose and a dream. May we encourage them in their dreams. They are to be loved for who they are, and not what they will become. Not to force someone else's expectations on them, but to give them the freedom to become who they are meant to be...not just to see them as 'Michael Jackson's kids'.

Prince, Paris, Blanket... we love you for you.

by Rita Bosico, M.Div., M.A.
Copyright (c) 2011

What Love Really Means
http://youtu.be/EqWf-XehllA

Have you seen my childhood. Michael Jackson described the song "Have You Seen My Childhood" as the most intimately personal and autobiographical of his career.
http://youtu.be/lFAmwsiz8Ls

Go and Hug Your Michael Today
http://elev8.com/world/better-​living-world/cherylhudson/maya​-angelou-says-go-and-hug-your-​michael-today/

The Five Love Languages of Children
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=ktMP8Ij3BIc

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
http://youtu.be/iFl68IdjN4Q